#1
Hvad er det når en mand taler frækt til en kvinde??
- Sexchikane!
Hvad er det når en kvinde taler frækt til en mand??
- 17 kr. i minuttet!!
"Alzheimer's or AIDS?" - Rated PG
A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a
blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.
One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office.
The doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I
have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample
with another patient's, and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad
news is one has Alzheimer's disease, and the other has AIDS. I want
you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all
sorted out."
The man looked scared and said, "That's terrible, doc, what should I
do until then?"
"Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks away
from your house. If she makes it home, don't have sex with her!"
En folketingsmand blev taget i at køre for stærkt.
Han kom i retten, hvor han viste sin talekunst og startede med at sige:
"Jeg indrømmer, at jeg nok har kørt lidt for stærkt. Men forstår De, jeg er
politiker og..."
Dommeren afbrød:
"Uvidenhed er ikke nogen undskyldning!"
Competition
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his
own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right,
and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all
over his own shop.
It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
"Where the Hell Am I?" - Rated PG
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a
confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the
man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to
get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper
in this one either."
Hvordan kan man kende forskel på en kvinde med det røde og en terrorist??
- Man kan forhandle med en terrorist!!!!
2. (At A Bar)
Your pretty ugly. No one's going to talk to you.
Why don't you just cut your losses and come home with me!!!
6. Baby, I'm not Fred Flinstone, but I could make you Bedrock
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
Den blide hjemmegående hustru, hvis regnfrakke var gået i stykker, og ikke
kunne repareres, spurgte sin mand om hun kunne få penge til en ny.
Den vrisne økonomiske mand svarede:
"Hvad skal du bruge den til? Det regner da aldrig mellem køkkenet og
soveværelset."
Har du hørt at kineserne er blevet vilde med Anne Dorthe Tannerup?
De har hørt at hun har haft Riis i dåsen.
En mand kommer ind på en bar og bestiller 6 Gamle Dansk.
Bartenderen: Skal der fejres noget ?
Manden: Ja, mit første blowjob.
Bartenderen: Ja så vil jeg gerne give den 7.
Manden: Nej tak, hvis 6 stk. ikke kan fjerne smagen, tror jeg ikke
den 7. kan...
Og til de der skal i byen i aften...
Dreng til pige:
Har du en magnet i lommen? Jeg syntes du er så tiltrækkende...
Dreng til pige:
Jeg håber du har en god forsikring.
Du har lige lavet buler i mine bukser...
- Hvad kalder man et Container skib, fuld af Narko?
- En Speedbåd
Vidste du:
- Søstjerner har ingen hjerne.
(Ligesom visse mennesker vil nogen måske mene)
- Ved en bestemt insekt-art (kaldet "knælere"
kan hannen ikke parre sig
mens dens hoved sidder fast på kroppen. Hunnen indleder parringen ved at
rive hovedet af hannen. (Skat, jeg er hjemme. Hvad i al verd...)
- Isbjørne er venstrehåndede.
- Hvis du pruttede konstant i 6 år og 9 måneder, har du produceret nok
giftige luftarter til at lave en atombombe. (Muuuuums!)
- Hvad hedder Astrid Lindgrens nye bog?
- E-mail fra Lønneberg.
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse drank a shot and said, "I play with mousetraps for
fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab
the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he
drank another shot.
The second mouse drank a shot and said, "That's nothing. I take those
Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he drank another shot.
The third mouse drank a shot, got up and walked away. The first two
mice looked at each other, turned to the third mouse and
asked, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stopped and replied, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
Why do elephants vomit every time they take a shit?
You'd vomit too, if you had to wipe your ass with your nose.
#2
På første række i kirken sidder borgmesteren og kigger op på præsten,
som er i gang med sin søndags prædiken. Da præsten gennemgår "De Ti Bud"
og når til "Du må ikke stjæle", begynder borgmesteren at sidde uroligt
og kigger sig omkring med et vredt ansigtsudtryk. Men da præsten når
til, "Du må ikke bedrive hor", slapper borgmesteren af igen.
Efter prædikenen spørger præsten borgmesteren, hvad der var i vejen.
"Jo, da du talte om at stjæle, så opdagede jeg, at min tegnebog
var væk! Men da du så begyndte at tale om hor, huskede jeg,
hvor jeg havde lagt den..."
To gamle venner mødes efter mange år.
Den ene har taget meget på og den anden har tabt sig meget:
Den tykke:
"Du ser ud, som om der har været hungersnød."
Den tynde:
"Ja, og du ser ud, som om at det var din skyld..."
[ Og så lige lidt undskyldninger du kan bruge i morgen... :-) ]
Undskyld jeg kommer for sent, men det tog lidt
længere tid at sove end jeg havde regnet med...
Da jeg skulle til at cykle hen til skolen fandt
jeg ud af at slangen sad uden på dækket...
Min mosters kanariefugl havde diarré hele natten,
og jeg var den eneste der kunne skifte ble på den!
Der stod en ko i indkørslen ...og køer er jo hellige...
--------
X's vægt var 80 kg. Og hans kones, Y's, vægt var 30 Kg.
B var X's søn og han var 2 år gammel.
Og alt dette vil sige at X's søn må være = A = Y * B / X
Kan du regne den ud?
[ Normalt ikke engelske, men den her er altså K A N O N! ;-) ]
- How do you spot a blind man in a nudist-camp?
- It ain't hard!
-------------
- Hvad er forskellen på saltvand og mundvand?
- I saltvand er den højst 6 cm...
--------
Statistikken viser, at 10% af alle ulykker forårsages af folk der har
drukket. Det vil altså sige at 90% af ulykkerne skyldes mennesker der
IKKE har drukket. Jamen, er det ikke det bedste bevis på, hvor farlige
disse afholdsfolk er? Så for sikkerhedens skyld: DRIK!!!!!!
------------
Virus Alerts
=--=
Lewinsky Virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer,
then compiles a complex report that discredits every
aspect of your computer.
Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.
Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Disks can no longer be inserted.
Titanic Virus:
Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
Lorena Bobbit Virus:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.
Viagra Virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Clinton Virus:
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
----------
[ Og til sidst en lille huskeregel for kvinder: ]
Jo mere nedringet man er, jo mere bliver man ringet op. Husk det, piger!
-----------
Why Cats Are Better Than Men
=--=
+ A CAT always hits the litterbox.
+ Better chance of training a CAT.
+ No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't
have to pretend you like it.
+ You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
+ If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
+ A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
+ You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
+ It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
+ You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when
you host a party.
+ A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man
thinks he is.
+ If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will
satisfy him.
-----------
Hot Dogs???
=--=
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the
mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards
the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to
oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the
counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and
then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and
whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
--------------
Governments & Ideologies
=--=
FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You
have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken
farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations
say you should need.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you
all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes
both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling
violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the
moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a
suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the
Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its
parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition,
severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a
multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led
out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials,
though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it
hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
-------------------
Scared to Fly
=--=
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it
finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he
explained.
"It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
------------------
Watch Out!
=--=
A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying
the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony
is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the
pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out.....
"Watch out for the wall!!!"
---------------
Juan
=--=
During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey
Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general
shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and
decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!"..... (BUM!)
--------------
- Hvorfor bliver blondiner så forvirret når de er på dametoilettet?
- De skal _selv_ trække bukserne ned!
--------------
After many months of trying to make ends meet, one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.
Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred dollars and ten cents.
"That`s great!" the husband replies. "But who gave you the ten cents?"
"Everybody!" replied the wife.
--------------
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
- Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're
sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble
breathing.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- What a nice night for an evening.
- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you
were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay,
then forget it."
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
---------------
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"
"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."