After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussieneighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to theneighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' So solly sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''
What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs..........
'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull shit.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: I have a question to ask you, but I dont want to offend you.
She answers, My son, you cannot offend me. When youre as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well the Cab driver replies, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.
She responds, Well, lets see what we can do about that:
Firstly, you have to be single, and
Secondly, you must be Catholic
The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, Im single and Catholic!
OK the nun says. Pull into the next alley
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?
Forgive me but Ive sinned. I lied, I must confess, Im married and Im Jewish.
The nun says,
Thats OK, my name is Kevin and Im going to a Halloween party.
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones, they
began to chat The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had *** with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL.*
>
>
>
> Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
> The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
> dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day
> he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
> .
> The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to
> do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see
> any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw
> his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on
> the table....
> .
> The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the
> house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
> the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second
> day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the
> swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and
> his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
> dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....
Hello, you have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line’, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”
>>>
>>> “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.
>>>
>>> Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
>>>
>>> It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow!'
Guys just never learn, do not piss off the women...........
