---

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

---

Please hold off ending emails to me as I’m presently in Hospital with serious injuries after have being
viciously attacked by a lady in a lift in Brisbane.

Luckily my friend was able to get her photo on his mobile phone.

How the attack happened.
A friend and myself entered the lift on the 10th floor followed by this young lady with
a very noticeable bust line. As any man would, I was fascinated and couldn’t help
staring at her ample boobs.

She then asked me sweetly, “Would you please press One”
I immediately obliged her and that is the last thing I remember.

The doctors say I should be able to leave hospital by the end of the week.

---

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened....

---

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1



All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!



-----------------------------------



DEAR DIARY - DAY 2



Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.



-----------------------------------



DEAR DIARY - DAY 3



At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.



-----------------------------------



DEAR DIARY - DAY 4



Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.



-----------------------------------



DEAR DIARY - DAY 5



Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.



-----------------------------------



DEAR DIARY - DAY 6



Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice.....

---

I couldn't help but overhear two blokes in their mid twenties, while sitting at the local bar last night.

One of the young Bucks says to his mate: Mannn you look real tired."

His buddy says, Mannn am I exhausted...my girlfriend and I have sex all the time..she is sooooo demanding.

She's after me 3 or 4 times a day....I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young bucks and with the wisdom only years can bring.....says



"Marry her.......That'll put a stop to all that shatt!".....

---

---

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her 3 male 'Stammers Action Group'..

She had tried every technique in the text book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said: "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering,

I will have wild, unbridled, passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water....

The Englishman with stiff upper lip, immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-ber-b-ber-b-irmingham."

"That's no use Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted: "G-g-g-g-gl-g-ger-ger-gl-lasgow"

I'm afraid that's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you Paddy, are you ready to try?

The Irishman took a real deep breath, counted to five, clenched both fists, turned red in the face...and blurted out...... "London"

"Absolutely brilliant Paddy!..I'm soooo proud of you"..and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally hot and steamy sex..the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:





"d-d-d-der-d-d-der-d-erry!".........

---

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

His mind begins to race. He remembers back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

---

..round the camp fire..

A woman had been a prostitute for some 4 years and was worried about the 'size' of her vagina on her wedding night....

She decided to tell her newly wed husband that she had caught 'it' on barbed wire whilst climbing over a farmer's fence.

After their first consummating tryst, the subject was broached...and she told her tale...

Smoking a cigarette he pondered the plausibility of her story, and wondered whether she may have 'stretched' the truth a little and asked:



"Soooooo just how far across the paddock were you dearest, before you realised it was caught??"..........

---

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.




'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the
wings.'



The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.



'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'



'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'



'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'



'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and sexually abused.'



'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

---

Absolute Classic...
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the hell do you think you are doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

---

The Agony of Ageing

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my ageing friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Video Scam….Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

---

A Bikie came upon an attempted suicide scene.

He pulled over and said to the policeman let me talk to her,

He walks up and says it would be really nice if a young girl like you would give me a hug and a kiss before you die.

She gave him a long passionate kiss and a hug.

He said to her why do you want to die.

She said,My mum doesn't like me dressing up as a girl.

They do not know if he fell or was pushed.

---

To kvinder, på vej hjem fra firmafest:

"Jeg skal tisse!" siger den ene:" Ska jeg også" siger den anden.

På det tidspunkt, befandt kvinderne sig ud for en kirkegård og de blev enige om, at gå ind på kirkegården for og lade vandet. Den første, får tisset af og tørrer sig med sine trusser, som hun derefter smider over skulderen.

Den anden kvinde, syntes hendes trusser var for dyre til, at lave samme nummer med så hun, finder en bårebuket og tørrer sig med den, hvorefter, hun igen tager trusserne på og de går hjemad.

Næste dags morgen, snakkede de to kvinders mænd sammen:

Mand 1: "Hvaaa' øøøh, du ved godt vores kvinder var til julefrokost sammen i går, ikke?"

Mand 2: "Jo da, hvorfor det?"

Mand 1: "Jeg ved snart ikke hvad, jeg skal tænke. Min kone kom hjem uden trusser på"

Mand 2: "Ja tak, ska du da godt nok ha…. Som, det var noget. Min, kom med en sløjfe i røven, hvor der stod: TAK FOR ALT – Hilsen Herfølge Boldklub"

---

Who Da Boss?

Permalink

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"

He then attached it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!".

---

An old bloke, Jimbo, goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is an extremely pretty female Doctor.

The Urologist says:"I'm going to check your prostrate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostrate, take a deep breath and say:

'99'

Old Jimbo obeys and says:

'99'

The Urologist says, "Great" now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99'

Again old Jimbo says :

'99'

The Urologist says, "Very good".

Now then I want you to lie on your back, with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostrate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold onto your penis, to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,

'99'

Old Jimbo, with wry smile on his face, begins,

'One'

'Two'

'Three'

'Four'"...............

---

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question to the woman. He asks 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies, 'Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using it ????

---

Det her maa vaere "the ultimate" nigerianske scam:



http://boingboing...n-spa.html

---

---

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home?
1st kid says "A computer" Teacher replies, "that'd be very useful, every family should have a computer."
2nd kid says "We really need a lawn mower" and the teacher responds by saying that's an excellent choice.
Little johnny pops up saying "At my house we don't need anything." The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure. When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last f***ing thing we need."