Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre.
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10p coins against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of ***. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
“You know that dishwasher you promised me, but never bought me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me, but never bought me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me, but never bought me?
I bought that, too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?”
En ældre mand kom op til lægen og beklagede sig over for meget luft i maven. Han slap hele tiden èn, fortalte han.
- Men det er nu en fordel. De lugter ikke, og de er helt lydløse.
Jeg har faktisk sluppet et par stykker, mens jeg har talt med Dem, doktor.
Lægen så roligt på ham og udskrev en recept.
- Det forstår jeg ikke, sagde manden.
- Næsedråber. Hvorfor det?
- Vi må jo begynde et sted, svarede lægen.
– Først må vi kurerer deres manglende lugtesans – og senere må vi kigge lidt
på hørelsen….
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.'
Lynn Lavner
'It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.'
George Burns
'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.'
Sharon Stone
'Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.'
Tiger Woods
'My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.'
Jack Nicholson
'Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.'
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
'Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'
Robin Williams
'According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.'
Robert De Nero
'There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?'
Dustin Hoffman
'There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'
Jerry Seinfeld
'See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.'
Robin Williams
'It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.'
Joan Rivers
'Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.'
Steve Martin
'You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.'
Elmo Phillips
'Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.'
En lille invandrer dreng har været til prøve i dansk og har fået et 10-tal. Læreren synes det er flot og roser derfor drengen og siger, at nu kan han godt kalde sig dansker.
Drengen kommer glad hjem og fortæller sin far, at han har fået 10 i dansk, og at læreren har sagt, at nu kan han godt kalde sig dansker.
Faderen bliver meget vred og giver drengen en ordentlig lussing. Drengen er meget forundret, men går alligevel hen til sin mor, og fortæller hende den samme historie. Også moderen bliver meget vred og giver ham en lussing.
Drengen synes det er mærkeligt og tier, for pludselig at udbryde: "Nu har jeg været dansker i tyve minutter og jeg er allerede blevet overfaldet af to invandrere".
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ... 38 revolver, so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns ... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
1. WHAT ARE THE LITTLE BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
They're Braille for "suck here".
2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
It's the same as a French kiss, but "downunder".
3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
4. WHY ARE HURRICANES GENERALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because when they come, they're wet and wild. And when they go, they take your house and car with them. (Note... they're not all named after women anymore,)
5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch!
OK... someone sent me these in an email, and I had to share. If you're offended, good!
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?
No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.
