A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you
with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want
you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very
successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin,
they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook,
wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
A professor at Ohio State University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies . To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have *** with a
ghost?"
Hamad replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said goats."
His Superior Refused To Call Him By His First Name, Until He Said This ...big grin
The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his
first name," the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker,
whatever.
And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye, Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month; otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, comes a knock on his door, he opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night”. “Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."
Great", says Jeff," after six months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. I’ll be there!"
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Might be some drinkin’!"
“Not a problem," says Jeff. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely there’s
gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well. . . . I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild ***, too," added the big man.
"Now that's really not a problem," says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. . . . Just gonna be the two of us anyway!"
Suspicious Wife
Wife was sure that her husband was having sex with the maid so she laid a trap.
One evening she sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the same old story. "Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching," and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
He came in silently, and wasted no time on words but quickly started having sex.
When he finished, the wife said, "You didn't expect me in this bed, did you?" and switched on the light.........
"No Madam".... replied the watchman.
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So an individual went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing an individual the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
an individual was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. an individual and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, an individual returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So an individual hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyers office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him very quick.
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Man: YA, YA, acre and half and nice little home.
Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Man: It made of concrete.
Lawyer: Does either of you have a real grudge?
Man: No, we have carport, and not need one.
Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?
Man: All my relations still in Poland.
Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Man: Ya, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Man: No, I always up before her.
Lawyer: WHY do you want this divorce?
Man: She going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Man: I got proof.
Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says, Polish Remover.
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
----------------------- ------------ --------------
And saving the best 'til last ...
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, and strips off and says says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the
golf course, heard the noise and called out.
Are you okay, what's your name?
It's John, and I'm okay thanks, I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
John, she said, firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe forget your troubles.
Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later.
That's mighty nice of you, I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it.
Oh, come on now, Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.
Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it.
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.
I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.
So I'd best go now.
Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly.
She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
The Italian fellow said: "Lasta night I massaged my beautiful wife all over her body with the finest olive oils....then we made mad passionate love
and I made her scream non-stop for five minutes.....
The Frenchman said: "Ahhhh oui....I hand and finger massaged mon petit angelic wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oils....then we made harmonious luuv,
and I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight...
The Aussie bloke said: "Crikey, that's nothing!!....last night I massaged my Gwendoline all over her body with ultra soft spreadable genuine Australian butter....I caressed her entire
body right down to her toes and up to the nape of her neck...and then we made love.....and I made her scream for two longgg hours....
The Italian and the Frenchie, astonished, asked, "Two Hours?.. Voila! Sacre Bleu !! Phenomenal!!!
"Tell us, how did you do it to make her scream for two hours?".....
"Struth!...Gwendoline didn't half go off, when I wiped me hands on her lounge-room curtains".......
The Italian fellow said: "Lasta night I massaged my beautiful wife all over her body with the finest olive oils....then we made mad passionate love
and I made her scream non-stop for five minutes.....
The Frenchman said: "Ahhhh oui....I hand and finger massaged mon petit angelic wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oils....then we made harmonious luuv,
and I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight...
The Aussie bloke said: "Crikey, that's nothing!!....last night I massaged my Gwendoline all over her body with ultra soft spreadable genuine Australian butter....I caressed her entire
body right down to her toes and up to the nape of her neck...and then we made love.....and I made her scream for two longgg hours....
The Italian and the Frenchie, astonished, asked, "Two Hours?.. Voila! Sacre Bleu !! Phenomenal!!!
"Tell us, how did you do it to make her scream for two hours?".....
"Struth!...Gwendoline didn't half go off, when I wiped me hands on her lounge-room curtains".......
PSYCHIATRIST VS. BARTENDER
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!"
FORGET THE SHRINKS, HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER! ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
