Myra Rhodes, an elderly lady, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning, Maam, said the young man. If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
Go away! said Myra brusquely. Im broke and havent got any money, and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. Dont be too hasty, he commanded. Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
A Winchester woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge.
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A Horse & a chicken were best friends. One day, the horse fell into a hole. The Chicken called a farmer who used his Audi Q7 Quattro to pull out the horse. The horse was very happy & thought that someday he would return the favour.
Then one day the chicken fell into the hole. The horse lowered his dick & pulled the chicken out.. The Chicken was damn impressed..
Moral of the story-
If you have a horse's dick, you don't need an Audi to pick up chicks !
Florida woman saves herself in alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol .
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of my home in Florida with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
The alligator must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyers fees was really incredible.
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.
"Actually no"..he replied.
"Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't." breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say...
"Tell him..." she whispered, "There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room....."
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me a smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears…
I love you!”
"WALKING ON THE GRASS..."
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room became very quiet as the men absorbed and pondered this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a golf bag?"
"WALKING ON THE GRASS..."
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room became very quiet as the men absorbed and pondered this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a golf bag?"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
And One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
