Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
på motorvejen her til morgen, på vej til arbejde, så jeg over højre skulder, at der var en kvinde i en splinterny BMW, der kørte 130 km/t med snotten HELT oppe i bakspejlet igang med at lægge sin eyeliner!
Jeg kiggede væk i ganske få "Iyserøde nano-sekunder" og så så til min store forskrækkelse i bakspejlet, at hun nu var halvvejs ovre i min kørebane -
STADIG optaget af hendes SKIDE makeup!
Jeg blev så forskrækket, at Jeg tabte min barbermaskine, så den slog mit rundstykke ud af min anden hånd.
I forvirringen, mens jeg forsøgte at rette bilen op med mit knæ på rattet,
tabte jeg tilmed mobiltelefonen fra øret, så den faldt ned i min kaffekop jeg havde mellem benene, og sprøjtede med kaffe og brændte "STORE CLAUS OG TVILLINGERNE".
Det gjorde så PISSE ondt, at jeg skreg af mine lungers fulde kraft, hvorfor jeg så tabte cigaretten ud af kæften, brændte hul i min skjorte og AFBRØD EN MEGET VIGTIG TELEFON SAMTALE.
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?"
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why
not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd
you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When
I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half dozen banana peels and apple cores in the rubbish bin. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her.
Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."
The preacher is talking to the man, saying how he will say a prayer for his quick healing when all of a sudden the man begins to attempt to tell him something
The man motions with his hand so the pastor steps closer "What is it? What do you need?" The pastor asked
The man looks around the room and grabs the pen and paper and scribbles something on the paper
As he hands the paper to the pastor the man passes away. The pastor takes the paper without reading it and folds it into his pocket as he began to read a passage from the bible.
A few days later at the mans funeral the pastor is giving a speech "I knew him very well...and actually I have the rare opportunity of reading his last words that he wrote just before he went to meet the lord. I have not read this note until now so we will all be privileged to hear them together"
The pastor pulls the paper out and reads aloud " It reads, You are stepping on my oxygen cord"
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Ja jeg har lært dem at kende under to navne, negerboller og flødeboller. Og flødeboller var endda ikke det jeg lærte først. De "vittige" kunne endda i de senere år finde på at spørge om man skulle have en Nelson Mandela. Det var selvfølgelig en med kokos på.
Og nu i de neger-tider (Søren Espersen/Jeppe "dusk en på 15 år" Kofod), så er en kinesisk virksomhed ved at få ørerne i neger-vridemaskinen med denne reklame:
Yep web, der er masser af grove, mange dog sagt med et smil på læben, derfor virker de også anderledes når de skrives,
den her er nok mest for københavnere
Hvad er det som er ca.2 meter langt, bevæger sig langsomt, er rød og gul og lugter af karry?
