A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon.
Min telefon ringer: "Hej. Det er Camilla fra Blå Strøm. Er du klar over, at du kan blive fri for de afgifter, der ofte er pålagt din elregning, da du har et CVR nummer?"
Mig: det er ikke så relevant for mig, da jeg er selvforsynende med strøm.
Camilla: nå ok - du har måske solceller?
Mig: nej - jeg bruger dynamoer....
Camilla: dynamoer?????
Mig: ja. Har haft hamster siden jeg var helt lille og tænkte, at det måtte kunne udnyttes til noget, når den bare render rundt i det hjul. Jeg regnede derfor på det og fandt frem til, at jeg med 42 hamstere kunne være selvforsynende.
Camilla: ok. Det har jeg godt nok ikke hørt om før. Sviner det ikke meget?
Mig: nej der er ikke galt.Jeg har dem i et skur i haven. Der er godt nok nogle, der dør pga. frost, men har sat dem sammen i bure 2 to to med en han og en hun i hver, så de vedligeholder selv bestanden.
Camilla: det lyder godt nok smart.
Mig: ja - måske du selv skulle overveje den løsning?
Camilla: tror det er svært at få plads til i en toværelses lejlighed
Mig: nej - du kan bare bruge en rumdeler fra IKEA - der er 16 rum i og det bør være nok til en lille lejlighed. Du sparer en masse penge, for foder til dem er ikke dyrt.
Camilla: nej det vil jeg tro. Du sparer jo også afgift til strøm så. Jeg sparer dog selv op til at blive selvstændig, så det her er bare et bi-job
Mig: Cool. Skal du avle hamstere?
Camilla: nej dog ikke.
Mig: vidste du, at når du bliver selvstændig, kan du blive fri for de afgifter, der ofte er pålagt din elregning, da du har et CVR nummer.......?
Det havde Camilla dog hørt om og vi ønskede hinanden en god jul og nu vidste hun da, hvor hun kunne ringe hen, hvis hun havde spørgsmål til opdræt af hamstere....... :-D
A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh Fuck!' he screams... Where's my Rolex?
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning...
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Er --", the man started to say.
"No, I insist," she replied.
"But --"
"I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants.
Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him.
After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'.
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The Female Dog!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" Yes," she replies. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," & fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?" The Policeman chuckles & replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the Fuckin dick goes under the Horse, not on top of it".
A woman was being shown around the local hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA."
Please be careful at this time of year, I went out for a few drinks last night got carried away so I left the car at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough just down the road the police were pulling over cars and breathalyzing them.
They just waved me past being in a taxi which is strange because I've never driven one before or got a clue where I got it from....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started..........
=============================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And that's when the fight started..........
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It hurts, doesn't it?
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the Danish authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Frederikssund, Jens Olsen, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Denmark had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Danish, don't it!
