---

You know you're a Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

---

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"

I said, "That's mine."

---

Boes, du er en slem dreng!

---

Jeg ved...Men det her var en miss.... sheet happens...

---

nyd det så længe du kan, hilsen en gl. horebuk

---

Muslim satire over ISIS

www.youtube.com/e...

http://www.youtub...5nigZzgf4Y

---

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing
the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think
you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,

"Let's have another look at that dog".

---

GHOST ***


A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here
believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic.

Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have *** with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "****, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

---

I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"

"why is that?" I said

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"

---

First there were the main national exports - beer, pork pastries, and hardcore porn.

Then, of course, came the famous caricature of The Paedophile Mohammad.

And now they're finally going to ban sex with animals.

Yet another reason for muslims to hate Denmark.

---

Det er snart jul.

Julemanden spoerger: Hvad kunne du taenke dig i julegave ?

Svar: En drage.

Julemanden svarer: Vaer nu realistisk.

OK - jeg kunne godt taenke mig en loyal Thai girl friend.

Hvad svarede julemanden til det ?

---

A refuse collector is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn't have a wheelie-bin outside.
So he goes to the door and knocks. After a few minutes, an old Chinese man comes to the door.
"Where's your bin?" the refuse collector asks.
"I bin upstairs," the Chinese man replies.
"No! Where's your dustbin?" he says.
"I dust bin upstairs havin' a shit," the guy says.
"NO! WHERE'S YOUR WHEELIE-BIN?" he continues.
The old man thinks for a minute then says:
"Okay, you got me, I've wheelie bin having a wank."

---

Her er julemandens svar:

Hvad farve skal din drage ha'.

---

confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had *** with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's.

'Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had ***
with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed
up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green
and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

---

A young boy called Kev about 12 years old was walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it,
she saw the boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, ''I want to have *** with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course the Madam said, 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber -THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out
the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked,'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have *** with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll give her one in the car and , he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have ***, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the bloke I’m after because

''HE'S THE BASTARD THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!''

---

Det har du ikke penge nok til

---

A 'true Story' from an Irish Sunday School Teacher (wud ye no beleeve ? )

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?

''NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?

'Again, the answer was 'NO!

''If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish.

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

---

---

OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it.)



* * * * * * *

"Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person
Wondering What The Hell Happened!"

---

His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...
He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
$5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,
so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M,
a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.
Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Texas boys!

Just because they talk funny does not mean they are stupid !!!