A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.” He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day? You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning our mailman dropped dead on our porch!”
A man is walking behind his wife and says, “Your bum's getting so big it looks like a washing machine!”
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the man starts getting amorous.
His wife says, “I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load..... you’ll have to do it by hand!!”
A husband and his wife went to the
> Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first.
> The husband was a bit embarrassed
> and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with
> his wife and she was getting frustrated.
>
> He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally
> told him he would see his wife now.
>
> The doctor took her to another cubicle and told her to
> completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way
> around slowly.
>
> She did as instructed.
>
> He then told her to turn all the way around in the other
> direction.
>
> Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to
> your husband.
>
> Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the
> husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.
>
> I couldn't get an erection either!!
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"You've got
to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
A ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women from being respected and from reaching our full potential. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! . . . . . . I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
Må man tegne ham profeten, og begære sin næstes hustru
Må man bygge sig en burger af en mega hellig muhko
Må man danse om en guldkalv, hvis man kan li at danse
Må man gifte sig hvis man er enten lesbisk eller svanset
Næ næ næ næ næ, det må vi ikke
Fy fy skamme skamme fy fy ah ah
slemme slemme synd synd næ næ nix nix
Det’ haram
Men hvad må vi så?
Må man nappe sig en bajer, og spise en frikadelle
Må man få sig en abort, hvis man var fuld, da han ville pille
Må man bande når man slår sig, og sige av for fanden
Må man tage et kondom og putte det på pikkemanden
Næ næ næ næ næ, det må vi ikke
Fy fy skamme skamme fy fy ah ah
slemme slemme synd synd næ næ nix nix
Argh jihad
Men hvad må vi så?
Må man omskære en baby, og undgå transfusioner
Må man halshugge en vantro og ha 38 koner
Må man lave et kalifat, med sharialov så streng
Må man bruge sin position som præst til at pille ved en kordreng
Ja ja ja ja ja, det må vi gerne
Næ sikke fin fin ja ja meget fin
From from klap klap fin fin flot flot
Gud er glad
Så det må vi godt?
Det fand’me fucked op!
A man in America tells his co worker that her hair smells nice. She storms into the bosses office, quits on the spot, and tells him she is filing a sexual harassment suit. "What's wrong with him telling you your hair smells nice", he asks? "He's a ****** midget," she replies!
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front
of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned
this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back
garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have
hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see
it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough
before."
"I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't!"
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.
>> Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
>> But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found
>> That a bacon sandwich works great!
Arab falls in love with Indian girl and decides to meet the father.
Arab: Your daughter is very beautiful and I love her. If you let me marry her I’ll give you gold equal to her weight.
Indian girl father: I need time.
Arab: To think??
Indian girl father: No no…..
To help her gain weight
Elton John, and his partner, David Furnish wanted a baby. They had their
sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a
dozen babies were lying in their small beds, eleven of them crying and
screaming. In the corner one baby was lying serenely.
A nurse came over to both of men and indicated that the
happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies, and yet
our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Well, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I
pull the pacifier out of his ass."
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
> dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
> fifties.
>
> "May I help you sir?" she asked.
>
> "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
> "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
> prefer someone else", said the madam.
>
> "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
>
> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000
> a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds
> and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
> calmly left.
>
> The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
>
> Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row,
> as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still
> £5000.
>
> Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
> upstairs. After an hour, he left.
>
> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
> astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
> Valerie and they went upstairs.
>
> After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
> with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
>
> The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
>
> "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
>
> "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I
> was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person
> ................"
>
> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
> ...................
>
> 1. Death
>
> 2. Taxes
>
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B" Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Petticoat, Panties, Pussy ...
No wonder men suffer from high B P!
3. Before ***, you help each other get naked. After ***, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're f*cked
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got f*cked to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the F*ck! and What a F*ck!
6. 3 people having *** is a threesome, 2 is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done"!
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: 2014 Toyota Tundra 1794 4X4 with 5.7L V8 engine. Camburg LT kit with icon suspension all 4 corners. Dif breather mod. Full borla true dual exhaust. Arb fridge. Arb compressor with front and rear lockers. It has a custom matching cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “wheathertech” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added stealth custom series wheels and 33" Goodyear duratracs. CVT RTT with bed cage. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T'shirt that she
normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned
to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what
was that about..."
She replied,
"The egg timer is broken."
