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Ja Boes, hvorfor sende vitser som du selv har planket fra nettet ??
Hvem kom først, hønen eller ægget

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birkedhoj Du er OT.

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[img]http://i.imgur.com/RneH9pi.jpg[/img] is not a valid Image.

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, ‘Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, ‘So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?’
She says, ‘Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.’r32;The priest says, ‘Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?’

She says, ‘That he did, Father.’
The priest says, ‘What did he ask, Mary?’
She says, ‘He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun….

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En fyr kommer ind på apoteket for at købe kondomer.
Ekspeditricen spørger ham, hvad størrelse det skal være.
Fyren tænker sig lidt om og siger så, at det ved han faktisk ikke, for det er første gang han køber kondomer.
Nå, siger pigen, så er du nok nødt til at gå ud bagved, hvor vores prøvevæg findes. Der er forskellige huller i forskellige størrelse og du prøver dig bare frem til du finder den rigtige. Fyren går ud bagved, og finder hurtigt væggen. Kalorius skal så lige accelereres op i rette størrelse, og så prøver han ellers løs.
På den anden side af væggen går naboens kone og hænger tøj op, idet hun får øje på en strittende genstand, der stikkes ind til hende gang på gang.
Jeg tager sgu lige fis på ham der, tænker hun og sætter sig til at vente ved det hul, der skal prøves næste gang.
Så snart genstanden er kommet igennem hullet, griber hun fat med begge hænder og masserer den til den sprøjter af glæde.
Den stakkels kunde kommer med rystende ben ind i butikken. Ekspeditricen kigger på ham og spørger så, "hvad størrelse skulle du så bruge"?
"Skid hul i de kondomer" siger han "hvor meget koster den prøvevæg"??

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Den nye instruktør på fitness har skabt køproblemer......



https://www.youtu...r_embedded

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Ønskes: Mere af den slags humor - Tak

M.v.h. Fotofreak

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IRISH WEDDING

A fight breaks out at a wedding, chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?"

Johnny speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at an Irish wedding, its tradition for the first mate to have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me and we're both getting' all horny you see, and Tommy the groom didn't take too kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the crotch!!!"

"Right in the crotch?" The judge cringes as he says," That must have hurt."

Johnny says, "Hurt?? Broke three of my fingers..."

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Tjeneren.......


https://www.youtu...8Oz8?rel=0

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A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
>
>
>The doctor examines him and then says:
>"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week,
>then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
>Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
>
>The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful!
>What was wrong with me?"
>
>The doctor replied, "You were homesick."
>

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En kvinde kommer hjem og fortæller sin gemal: "Kan du huske alle de hovedpiner jeg har haft alle disse år? De er væk!"

"Ikke flere hovedpiner?" Spørger manden.
"Hvad er der sket?"

Hans kone svarer: "Marie fortalte mig om en hypnotisør, og han sagde at jeg skulle stå foran et spejl, stirre på mig selv og gentage:

"Jeg har ikke hovedpine"
"Jeg har ikke hovedpine"
"Jeg har ikke hovedpine"
Og det virkede, alle hovedpinerne er forsvundet"

"Åh, det er vidunderligt" udbryder hendes mand.

Hans kone siger så: "Du ved, at du ikke præcist har været nogen tyr I sengen de sidste år, hvorfor prøver du ikke at gå til hypnotisøren, for at se om han kan gøre noget?"

Tøvende siger manden ja til at prøve det.

Efter hans konsultation, kommer manden hjem, flår tøjet af, griber sin kone og bærer hende ind i soveværelset. Han lægger hende på sengen og siger "Rør dig ikke, jeg er straks tilbage."

Han går ud på badeværelset og efter et par minutter kommer han tilbage, hopper I seng og elsker hedt med sin kone, som hun aldrig er blevet elsket før.

Hans kone siger "WOW, det var vidunderligt!"

Manden siger "Rør dig ikke, jeg er straks tilbage."

Han går igen ud på badeværelset og runde to var meget bedre end den første.

Konen sætter sig op helt forvirret og udbryder "Du gode GUD!"

Manden siger igen "Rør dig ikke, jeg er straks tilbage."
Og igen går han tilbage til badeværelset.

Denne gang følger konen efter ham ganske stille, og hun ser ham stå foran spejlet og sige:
"Hun er ikke min kone!"
"Hun er ikke min kone!"
"Hun er ikke min kone!"

Hans begravelse finder sted næste lørdag klokken 13:00.

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DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?

BUBBA, A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA, DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR.

IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.'

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, 'THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER.'

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!

HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

'THAT'S A LOB LOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.'

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!

ONE MORE TEST - THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.
THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, 'AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?'

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, 'WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.'

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE. A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?' 'I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!'

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, 'IDIOT, HOW THE HELL WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE EVEN IF THE TREE HAD A FRONT?'

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT LOOKING AT THE GROUND AND FINALLY REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. 'THAT THAR'S THE FRONT,' THE REDNECK SAYS. THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, 'HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'

BUBBA LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,

'CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT.

HE GOT THE JOB, AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN! :-"

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"prancercise" OMG Glem ikke at observere "mimrebukserne"


https://www.youtu...jySwew#t=0

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Proof That The World Is Nuts!


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have *** with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The *** organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)

(Much worse than 'going blind!'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having *** for the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute: Is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

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Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.”

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30… So what's so bad about being 80?"

"My problem is… I don't wake up until 7:00."

---

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic
surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the
years they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of
course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside
her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought
I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went
through this all by yourself.

The second rose is from my nurse.
She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the
same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from Paul in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new
ears."

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I forlængelse af HB s joke, så har jeg hørt at det skulle være ganske vist, at det var en historie fra den virkelige verden .

Det var jo faktisk en win-win situation for såvel hende som for Paul, men det endte desværre i en retsag.
Paul var meget utilfreds med, at hver gang han kløede sig i øret, så løb det i vand.

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