Thailand Portalen (version 2004)

Oprettet af Asian Farmer d. 13/02-2015 04:40

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"

Oprettet af Boes d. 14/02-2015 08:35

Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.

The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice. The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and fled in blind panic. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.

The second condemned man. a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!", with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered, freed.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he yelled "Fire!"

Oprettet af Boes d. 18/02-2015 06:06

Received by text:
Hi Pete.
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without your knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.
Regards, Alan.
Pete, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:
Hi Pete,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi' to ‘Wife’. Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

Oprettet af Boes d. 18/02-2015 10:55

Mafia
Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
"Where's the money?"
Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back,
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Oprettet af hugoboerge d. 19/02-2015 10:08

The Real Life "Fifty Shades Of Gray"....

Back and forth . . . .
Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . .
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted:
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

Oprettet af hugoboerge d. 20/02-2015 12:50

Beware of older men....
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

Oprettet af Boes d. 21/02-2015 09:34

Scorereplikker ?? - og svar

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a sl*t.
*************************************************************

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman:Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and s*ck me off just yet.
*************************************************************

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done sh*gging you in the back of my car, I don't give a sh*t where you go.
*************************************************************

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
*************************************************************

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your a***.
************************************************************

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been sh*gged.
(OOPS... OUCH... )
*************************************************************

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
*************************************************************

Man: You're pretty...
Woman: P*ss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty f***'n ugly.

User avatar

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a sl*t.
*************************************************************

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman:Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and s*ck me off just yet.
*************************************************************

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done sh*gging you in the back of my car, I don't give a sh*t where you go.
*************************************************************

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
*************************************************************

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your a***.
************************************************************

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been sh*gged.
(OOPS... OUCH... )
*************************************************************

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
*************************************************************

Man: You're pretty...
Woman: P*ss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty f***'n ugly.

Redigeret af Boes d. 01/01-1970 02:00

Oprettet af Asian Farmer d. 23/02-2015 05:08

#13

The Golf Course Or...

Four married guys go golfing.

While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: 1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."
3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
What's the deal?"

4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'

And she said, "Wear your sweater".

Oprettet af Boes d. 23/02-2015 08:33

#14

The Polite Way to Pee

During Her Daily One of Classes, a teacher,.
trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:.

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner.
with a nice young lady, how would you.
tell her that you have to go.
to the bathroom? '
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'.
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be Rude and impolite.

What About You Sherman, You Say How would it? '.
Sherman said: 'I AM Sorry, but I Really Need.
to Go to The bathroom. I'll be Right back. '.

'That's better, but it's still not very nice.
to Say The Word bathroom at The Dinner T a ble.

And how about you little Johnny,.
can you use your brain for once and.
tell us what you would say.
Johnny said: 'I would Say: Darling, May I please be.
excused for a Moment?
I have to shake hands with a.
very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope to introduce
You to After Dinner. '

The teacher fainted.