Du er observant Farmer- kan dine vitser paa fingrene
well Vi kan tage denne...
God’s Problem Now!
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."
*****
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’.
'There's something wrong with my dick' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that’.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private’.
The man replied 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone’.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked 'Yes??’.
'There's something wrong with my ear' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’.
'I can't piss out of it' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me
and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a very sexy little nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’...... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £100, she exclaimed; "I don't have any money! But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked?'
"Yes! Yes, anything!" the blonde promised.
"Well, then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said, "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zip," he instructed.
She did.'
"Now go ahead... Take it out...," he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. She then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered... "Well...go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips... Tentatively she said...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view
was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why,
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there’s Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another - all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately poured scorn on the Irishman’s claims. But he swore every word was true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping
on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'
Teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.
Susie says, "We need a computer".
Wendy says. "We need a car".
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Pakistani boyfriend
and my Dad said 'That's just about all we fuxing need !"
I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator........
"IT'S NOT WORKING! I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother".
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, and the beer was cold. . . What the hell is she talking about?
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans an take him home.
First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says,
"We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
Understanding Engineers
1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers
2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers
3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
> > Twelve Scottish Catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final
> test
> > was for them to line up in a straight row, all proudly wearing their
> kilts,
> > in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced
> before
> > them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were
> > told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would
> not
> > be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
> >
> > The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
> She
> > proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
> > she got to the final priest, Joseph. Poor Joseph. As she danced, his bell
> > began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and
> > came to rest in nearby foliage.
> > Embarrassed, Joseph quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He
> > bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.
