An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?'
Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife ?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand ?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
RECTUM STRETCHER (if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket - £80.00
Court Costs - £145.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!
went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called "Bomb Jovi". -They were brilliant.
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the Fight started. ..Those bastards have no sense of humour!!
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain
and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next,
although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy
voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered
champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a
special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too,
I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the
farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said
the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the
woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different
cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a
coincidence'!
Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little
Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the
bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and
saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the
family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any
strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of
the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to
keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.”
The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”
En ældre herre stoppes af politiet kl. 0200 om natten.
Politiet spørger ham, hvor han er på vej hen på det her tidspunkt.
Manden svarer: "Jeg er på vej til et foredrag, som handler om alkoholmisbrug, og
dens skadelige påvirkning på kroppen, den negative indflydelse af rygning, samt at
være sent oppe om natten,"
Politiet spørger: "Er det virkelig sandt?
Hvem holder sådan et foredrag her midt om natten?"
Manden svarer: "Det gør min hustru når jeg kommer hjem."
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu from Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery.
So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, “Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!”
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
the Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.”
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn't even know how to drive!”
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it,” he chuckles. “Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!
From the world of wrestling
Ole the Norwegian and A Russian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse
appears to sponge his face and hands.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”
He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”
The head nurse was passing by and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to
inquire what was wrong.
“Sister,” he mumbled, “are my testicles black?”
Being a nurse of longstanding experience, she was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes,
pulled down his pajama pants, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the
pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing is wrong with them!!!”
At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “That’s very nice, but are my test
results back???”
Those of you who know something about Facebook will enjoy this.
FACEBOOK:
As you may know I am not on Facebook.
Hence I try to make friends without using Facebook. Therefore I walk around the streets every day telling random people how well I slept last night, what I ate, how I feel, what I am doing and what I will do.
I also listen to their conversations and tell them each time that I like it.
Result: I have already 3 people following me: 2 police officers and 1 psychiatrist.
One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf
when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that
she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
>
Her golf
> pro saw her come into
> the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early?
> What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
>
'Where?', he asked.
>
'Between the first
> and second
> hole', she replied.
>
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
>
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*stard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b*stard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that a*sehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
