---

When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

I hate this getting older stuff.

---

SENIOR ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER


80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have *** with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

---

Did you hear about the teacher who helped one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots, but my Mom made me wear 'em today.' (Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.)
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She is out on parole in 6 years.......

---

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,"I'll take the soup."

---

The Parking Officer's Funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officers funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth & mutters... To late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

---

BRUCE & SHEILA
AND A THOUGHTFUL NEIGHBOR
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled. Bruce came running in.
'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Strewth', Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'but I reckon if I can get her moist enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'

---

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile," the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze damm paperz; ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno!"

---

A circus owner ran an advert in the Wanted section for a ‘lion tamer’ and two people showed up. One was a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other was a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner told them "I'm not going to sugar coat it, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last trainer so you two had better be good or you're history."
"Here's your equipment," he continued "a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to go first?"

The brunette said "I'll go first."
She walked straight past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped boldly into the cage. The lion immediately began clawing the air and snarling then started to charge her.
As he got close, the brunette threw open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles.
He continued to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then purring loudly, lay down and rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw was on the floor!
He said "That's quite amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He turned to the retired golfer and asked, "Can you top that?"

The old golfer replies, "Very possibly – but you'd have to get that fuckin' lion out of there first."

---

https://www.youtu...mffgIqlAYA

De 3 tenorer.

---

https://www.youtu...IesCd4I4hU


kokken.....

---

Ryanairs direktør Michael O'Leary går ind på en bar.
- 1 øl tak.
- S' gerne Hr. Direktør. Det bliver lige 5 kr.
- Hold da op det var billigt!
- Ja vi serverer den billigste øl i hele København Hr. Direktør.
- Her får man godt nok noget for pengene!
- Jeg kan se at du ikke har et glas med selv. Så du får nok brug for en af vores. Det koster 15 kr.
O'Leary skulede utilfreds til bartenderen men besluttede ikke at brokke sig. Han gik hen imod et bord for at få sin øl serveret der.
- Undskyld, men du har vist ikke booket et bord inden du kom. Det koster 20 kr. ekstra. Hvis du havde booket på forhånd havde det kun kostet en 10'er!
- Og undskyld, men du ser ud til at være lidt for stor til vores pladser. Det koster 40 kr. ekstra at du fylder lidt for meget.
O'Leary er tosset nu og påstår at INGEN er så små, at de kan holde sig inden for de små pladser. Men han accepterer alligevel. Og tager sin iPad op af sin taske.
- Undskyld igen Hr. Direktør, men normalt tillader vi ikke den slags elektronik herinde. Men for 30 kr. kan du købe en tilladelse.
Direktør O'Leary har nu brugt 105 kr. for at få serveret en øl til en femmer. Han er meget utålmodig og råber KOMMER DEN ØL SNART!
- Desværre Hr. Direktør, jeg har netop fået at vide at din øl er aflyst pga tekniske problemer og vejret. Her er din femmer for øllen.
- Jamen hvad så med de andre 105 kr. jeg har betalt?
- I henhold til EU loven er vi kun forpligtet til at tilbagebetale prisen for øllen. Tillægsydelser er ikke omfattet.
- Tak for besøget og husk til en anden gang at vi serverer Københavns billigste øl!

---

She's single drop dead gorgeous

She lives right across the road.

I can see her place from my deck.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the

Street and up my driveway and

Knocked on my door.

I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,

"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have

This strong urge to have a good

Time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"


I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm Free, and I have no plans at all!"


She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"


Being a senior citizen really sucks

---

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

---

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:


Lovers help each other undress before ***.



However after ***, they always dress on their own.


Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say,
"Congrats".



But, none of them comes and touches the man's penis and say, "Good job".


Moral of the story: "Hard work is rarely appreciated."



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Corvette than on a bicycle.



2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.



3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.



4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

---

With the UK election coming up in May all parties need good candidates, so:

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist: "I would like to
put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate. The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?'' So he asked the receptionist , "Is that question necessary?" She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible"

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised? She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick"

---

Bad night. Had the Dr out to the Wife. He said she has acute angina. I said I know, her Tits are not bad either buts wots up with her.

---

Chinese in Australia


After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What d'ya mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull ****.'

---

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said,
"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well.

When I fired the pistol, my wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

---

I hypokondernes klub:

4 ældre damer sidder i lægens venteværelse.
Mens de fordriver ventetiden har de en hyggelig passiar.
De er jo alle gode bekendte.

"Hvorfor er fru Hansen ikke til stede her i dag"?
"Hun kunne ikke komme, hun er syg" Lyder det beklagende fra fru Jensen.

---

I still miss my exwife, but my aim is getting better.

At blive gammel:

"Jeg går lidt langsommere, men til gengæld ser jeg mere"