Der skal jo snart vaere valg i DK saa er denne her maaske aktuel ? :
Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Madeline’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Madeline’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked
the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious
teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the
prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music
of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and
opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis,
so f**k off and wait for a camel."
Frank and Fiona were making passionate love in Frank's van when suddenly Fiona, who was a bit on the kinky side, and had just read "50 shades of grey", yells out,
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic, ecstasy.
About a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having ***?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even had *** with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits,
"Yes I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims:
"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of!………
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbeen
stttutering ffor yyyears and I I I I'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the
down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy says, "Wwwhat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddeal, dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the
doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter
anymore, but I've only had *** once in the past three weeks. My wife
doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I
have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!
============================================
A woman stood on the edge of a cliff about to take the plunge into the hereafter.
A dirty old tramp arrived on the scene and said to her, "Look, seeing as you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter you any more how about a quick sh*g before you jump".
"No" she shrieked, "Fu*k off you vile, filthy disgusting old pervert"
The tramp shrugged, turned away and said, "Fair enough, I'll just go down and wait at the bottom till you've landed then."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "8 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and yells at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
The Coastguard intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of Suffolk today.
This placed the Coastguard in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from the UK, towards Europe.
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with white English people who were all seniors of pensionable age.
Their claim was that they were trying to get to Europe so as to be able to return to UK as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners.
The Coastguard it is believed gave them food, water and assisted them on their journey.
I’m booked on the next boat out – let me know if you want to come.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not be upset that I will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with Chantelle, my 18 year old secretary.
Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a mathematics teacher. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Rugby coach. He is young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.
The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle
yourself."
So he went out and bought a starter pistol.
When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it.
Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol.
The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.
He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit
in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his
hands up."
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.... "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin .....
Vil gerne blive oplyst....