Nyheder
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 Dagens joke
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| Conrad |
Lagt på d. 03/10-2014 11:05
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 Meget øvet medlem  Antal indlæg: 959 |
Boes skrev: The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?" The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is ... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek." The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..." Og jeg som troede at i fremtiden var der kun muslimer over det hele.  |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 04/10-2014 06:12
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 Ekspert medlem  Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Since the snow came all my wife has done is look through the window I guess if it gets any worse I will have to let her in.
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 06/10-2014 12:55
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of *** that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.' :-# "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Papa |
Lagt på d. 06/10-2014 16:32
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 Øvet medlem  Antal indlæg: 245 |
Boes skrev: A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of *** that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.' :-# Mon ikke hans arme røg ned igen ret hurtig........ 
"Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that." |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 09/10-2014 03:50
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Two priests go on vacation to Hawaii and they were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?,' she replied. 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.' "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 12/10-2014 09:38
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in ***. A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight.
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 12/10-2014 14:33
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." So the little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Molly for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you." Dad said, "Bring Molly over here." Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now; but keep Molly on the leash, and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Molly?" (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!) The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 14/10-2014 06:42
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
An Australian ventriloquist (bugtaler) visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right." Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Kiwi: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| vandango |
Lagt på d. 14/10-2014 09:08
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 3980 |
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready." The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. - Then he quietly explained: "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to." [img]http://blu.stb.s-msn.com/i/4A/70E7184BF86D52EF9AD984B66FDD9_h316_w628_m5_cZKILRWWB.jpg[/img] is not a valid Image. |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 16/10-2014 04:27
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle. The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle. Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?” She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?" This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 18/10-2014 10:43
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq and Iran are totally ruined, and the governments don't know where to start providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continent countries are sending Labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. Damn those Brits. They're so smart !!!!
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 19/10-2014 18:50
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip. An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!' The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies? About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. 'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver. 'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!' "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 20/10-2014 11:23
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
HIGH URINALS A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys, Michelle, was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, Michelle went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up, one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.' |
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| Amagerdreng |
Lagt på d. 20/10-2014 21:47
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 Meget øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 652 |
Så blev det min tur.. Kunne ikke stå for disse to. Den lille dreng kommer ind i soveværelset hvor han ser sin mor sidde og hoppe op og ned oven på faderen. "Hvad laver I ?", spørger han moderen. "Din fars mave er så tyk, at jeg nogle gange er nødt til at sidde på den så den bliver fladere", svarer hun. "Det er spild af tid", siger drengen, "For når du er ude at handle, så sidder nabodamen på knæ, og puster den op igen" og Skønt! udbrød hunden begejstret, da den så sit første juletræ. - Endelig er der kommet lys på toilettet! Vi må tage til takke med hvad vi ved - ikke hvad vi vil gætte på.
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 21/10-2014 10:11
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
http://www.cosmop...thumbnails For dem som bor i de varme lande og/eller kommer paa besoeg er her en interssant link til lidt gymnastiske oevelser. |
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| Asian Farmer |
Lagt på d. 22/10-2014 09:03
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 Øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 445 |
You just gotta love the Brits. A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.." |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 22/10-2014 09:57
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
For lige at forlaenge om "you gotta love the Brits": A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq and Iran are totally ruined, and the governments don't know where to start providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continent countries are sending Labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. Damn those Brits. They're so smart |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 22/10-2014 10:23
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
[color=#cc0000]V I S D O M S O R D[/colo "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner "*** at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia "*** is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral ***, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have ***. Men just need a place" Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams "It's been so long since I've had ***, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers "*** is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde " It isn't premarital *** if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 23/10-2014 06:27
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening ... red sky , cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?' "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 25/10-2014 03:52
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Denne her er en klassiker og har maaske vaeret oppe og vende her tidligere: She Enters A Bank With A Bag Full Of Cash. How She Got It? A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.” “But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman. The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America. When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?” She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk. “How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously. “$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?” The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.” Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing. “Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.” The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand. The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.” He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.” |
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