. Det er fanme alverdens ting man kan få lavet nu om dage. 
Nyheder
Se indlæg
 Dagens joke
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 11/11-2014 03:07
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 Ekspert medlem  Antal indlæg: 2688 |
OLD' IS WHEN.... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN.... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police . 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today. 'OLD' IS WHEN.... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN.... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. 'OLD' IS WHEN.... You're not sure if these are facts or jokes. (I sent this in large type so you can read it.) * * * * * * * "Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What The Hell Happened!" "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 11/11-2014 08:54
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Texas boys! Just because they talk funny does not mean they are stupid !!! |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 12/11-2014 03:27
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel." 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 12/11-2014 10:06
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Denne her er god: Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.... A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something... If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?" The assistant replied, "Because you're in HomePro" |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 12/11-2014 13:12
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating, my son” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon." "Why's that father ?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied. "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| vandango |
Lagt på d. 13/11-2014 14:43
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 3980 |
Har du nogensinde set en person på din egen alder og tænkt: 'Godt jeg ikke ser så gammel ud'! Jeg hedder Berit. Jeg sad i venteværelset hos min nye tandlæge, og der læste jeg et diplom på væggen og opdagede tandlægens navn. Det var det samme navn som en flot mørkhåret fyr, som gik i samme klasse som mig for ca 30 år siden. Jeg tænker: Kan han være den samme fyr som jeg var lidt forelsket i dengang. Da jeg kommer ind til ham, ryster jeg hurtigt den tanke af mig igen. Denne halvskaldede grå mand med rynket ansigt er alt for gammel til at have været min klassekammerat. Efter han har undersøgt mine tænder, tager nysgerrigheden over, og jeg spørger ham om han havde gået på Enskede gymnasium. - Ja, det havde han, svarer han Jeg spørger, hvornår han gik ud. Han svarer, at han gik ud i 1978. - Så gik du i min klasse!! Jeg ler. Han ser nærmere på mig og så siger denne gamle halvskaldede, ubehøvlede, fede og onde mand: - Hvad underviste du i? |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 14/11-2014 04:46
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 15/11-2014 06:49
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;' And *poof* she's gone. The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipilini..' St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks 'Sara Pipilini,' replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.' The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. 'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.' "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Dagbogen |
Lagt på d. 16/11-2014 13:42
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 Begynder  Antal indlæg: 14 |
ASK YOUR PHARMACIST What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, " This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it. " The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister . " When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. ....1/3 ownership in the store, ....A company pickup truck, ....A king size bed and ....$3,000 a month in living expenses" Pen. |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 20/11-2014 06:51
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
[img] http://ekstrablad...20.11.2014 [/img] "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 22/11-2014 04:48
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. > > The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.' > > The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, > perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' > > Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly > dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' > > As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife > and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?' > > The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar > detector went off when it did.' > > As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar > detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched > teeth, 'F...k it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' > > The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your > seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' > > The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it > off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my > back pocket.' > > The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your > seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' > > And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver > turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up? > > The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always > talk to you this way, Ma'am?' > > "Good heavens. no offficer, only when he's pissed. 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 25/11-2014 06:14
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented. Dave, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?' The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only their 'willy' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..' The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' says Dave, 'Your name came up 7 times.' |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 25/11-2014 06:48
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. “Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. “Who wants to try out first?” The girl says, “I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like that in my life.” He turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?” The old golfer says, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.” |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 25/11-2014 06:57
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 26/11-2014 06:35
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Johnny wakes up one morning and walks into his parents bedroom only to find them going at it. Dad notices Johnny and shots him a grin and a wink. The next day, Dad comes home from work to find Johnny and Grandma going at in the living room. Dad walks in and screams "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" Johnny looks up at Dad and says, "It's not so funny when it's your mom, huh?"
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 29/11-2014 04:54
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . . And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Kevin's bitch." 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 29/11-2014 09:01
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Bad Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Happy Thanksgiving |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 29/11-2014 10:09
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared.' Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??' Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark??' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. ' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not??' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??' Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 01/12-2014 07:32
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 02/12-2014 10:12
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
One evening last week, a married couple were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' He said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me?, for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, he went to sleep. The very next day he opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. They went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. He walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so he told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so he said 'Let's get a pair for each outfit'. They went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought he was one wave short of a shipwreck. He started to think she was testing him because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. He thought he threw her when he said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all, dear, let's go to the cashier.' He could hardly contain himself when he blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled............'WHAT? He then said 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill him, he added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently he is not having sex tonight either |
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